Becoming Familiar with a Man of Misery

Chapter 62 ~ A Memory

Severus found himself distracted. With his mother’s pending arrival, memories began to return to him. Memories he had buried deep in his psyche, unwilling to dredge up. But they returned now, almost as painful as when he experienced them in actuality. He found himself reliving them as he sat before the fire. These times Hermione would sit quietly by him and watch him brood. She was miserable, but tried her best not to be a bitch during his quiet times. She more than made up for it at other times.

Whatever Severus felt about his father, one thing was quite clear, he had loved his mother very much as a child. It was clear she tried to protect him as much as she could, and had high hopes for him. He had indeed managed to become a respected Potions Master. He was also a wizard of some power and influence. It seemed however that when young, the wizard sought to acquire power via Voldemort, trying to fulfill his promise to his mother.

Unfortunately, Severus misunderstood his mother’s wishes. She did not want him to acquire power from an outside influence, but rather develop it within. When he joined Voldemort’s death eaters, she was appalled.

“You are a Death Eater? Aren’t those the thugs that are running about the wizarding and muggle world harassing muggle-borns and wizards? Severus, you are half muggle. How can you do such a thing?” she asked him, frowning.

“Mother, Voldemort is growing in power. He will soon take over the wizarding world. And as one of his deatheaters, I will help rule in the New Order. I’ll have power, Mother…like you wanted. I’ll have influence. Respect. Power over people’s lives,” the young wizard replied.

“And why would you want that, Severus? To control others’ lives? One life is hard enough to control. And Fear is not Respect, my son. This Voldemort is evil, Severus. He steals power. He kills and does all manner of things to take power from others. Even by recruiting you, I bet he requires something of you. Whether or not you are an ally, he will seek to take your power and make you a servant. You may think you have joined something great as an equal, Severus, but sooner or later he will make you serve him. Someone like this Voldemort cannot have enough power, nor will he share it…no matter what he promises you. It would be better to fight him than to join him my son,” Isadora said, her black eyes focused on her son.

Severus pulled back his sleeve and showed his mother the Dark Mark on his arm. She looked at the image of the snake protruding from the mouth of the skull and a look of horror crossed her face.

“I’ve seen that mark in photos, Severus. I’ve seen it in the Prophet floating above burning buildings and discarded bodies,” she said looking at her son, her voice dropping low. “Tell me you had nothing to do with such things, Severus. Please tell me this,” she breathed.

Severus was silent for a moment.

“Not the bodies,” he said, “but they were accidents. Things got out of hand…” he said.

Isadora looked at her son.

“Severus, I want you to quit this group and get that mark removed,” she said. “Nothing but great evil can come of it. It is the type of evil that can coarsen and steal your soul, my son. You may think you are on the ground floor of some great rising power, but I assure you, you are standing on a plateau of Hate. Leave Voldemort, Severus, before it is too late,” she said.

Severus looked at his mother.

“I…I can’t. It isn’t that easy to leave, Mother. There is a penalty for leaving,” he said, dropping his eyes.

“I imagine it is death, isn’t it Severus?” the witch asked him.

“I know of no one who has died,” he said stubbornly.

“But I bet some of the dissatisfied who wanted out can no longer be found, can they?” Isadora asked him.

“Maybe they ran away, not wanting to face Voldemort’s wrath,” he said lamely, searching for an answer and wondering if his mother had any seer blood in her veins.

“And maybe they are dead,” the witch said softly, shaking her head. “Ah, Severus. Why did you do this?”

“For us. For me and for you. I was powerless, Mother. Now I have power. I am somebody, just like you wanted me to be. And one day I will have even more power,” Severus said.

Isadora looked at him, disappointment in her dark eyes.

“Power is something no one can give you, Severus. Not really. Authority is not true power. Real power comes from within, from your own inner strength and courage. No one can take that from you unless you give it to them. Your father was so angry with me because no matter what he did to me, he could not take my power from me. He could beat me, but never break me. I’ve always loved and stood up for you, my son. I did my duty as your mother and he was jealous of that, although I did my duty as his wife as well. I didn’t let him destroy me, Severus. He was physically stronger…but not as strong as I am on the inside. You follow my example. Not his. Do you understand me? My example, and maybe you will survive this horrible thing you’ve done. This Voldemort is going to want that Severus. Want your power. Don’t you ever give it to him. You understand me, my son? That power inside you could be the only thing that holds you together in the dark days to come,” she said.

Then she went silent for a few moments. Mother and son stared at each other.

Then Isadora said in a soft voice, “Aligning yourself with evil has no benefit, Severus. It will eat at your soul and leave you an empty shell, incapable of joy, love and happiness. No false power is worth that. I would rather see you happy than powerful. You have made a great mistake. A very great mistake in joining this wizard. I thought you would be wiser than this.”

Severus stepped closer to his mother, imploringly.

“Mother, you must not say such things. Never let anyone hear you say anything against Voldemort,” Severus hissed, his eyes glittering.

Isadora considered him.

“Don’t you see it already, Severus? I can’t say what I think concerning him. I see the fear in your eyes. You know he is dangerous. You know he is evil. He will make you evil in the long run, force you to do things you know are wrong to do, even for the sake of power. Then regret, guilt and bitterness will follow. Things he won’t allow. Even your conscience will be his enemy. He will seek to take that from you too. If he takes your conscience, Severus, you will cease to be a man.”

Severus stared at his mother, not knowing what to say. He hadn’t meant to disappoint her. He was just fed up with being singled out and picked on. Tired of holding back when others went out of their way to torment and mock him. Tired of feeling helpless. Now that he was a Deatheater, he got respect. Even the damned Marauders had eased up on him, though Black was still a problem. He had family members that were deatheaters and that was why they didn’t target him for his harassment. But all in all, things were better for him as an ally of Voldemort. Sure, the wizard got a bit wild at times, but they were in a war. They were trying to change the world. Of course there would be causalities, but the world would be a better place for it in the end, and he would be a part of it.

“You’re wrong, Mother,” he spat. “You’ll see. Voldemort is going to bring in a new age. And I will be part of it. An important part.”

Isadora considered him.

“What kind of new age, Severus? Does he want to free the wizarding world, or rule it? You watch him…watch what he does. If in three years you feel the same about him and your role in his plans, maybe you’ll be right. But you are my son. If you see the truth, you will not be able to continue with him. You were not brought up to be evil, though you saw much of it. You are a good boy, Severus, and will be a good man despite what you’ve gone through. You will not be satisfied as Voldemort’s ally. By then, you will probably be a servant rather than the ally you picture yourself as now. You are my son. I love you and will always love you despite the choices you make. But I am disappointed in you, Severus. I have never been disappointed in you before. It is an odd feeling, and a very sad one. My heart feels heavier than stone,” she said quietly.

Severus looked at his mother.

“I must go,” he said shortly.

For the first time in his life, Severus did not hug or kiss Isadora goodbye before he left. He simply disapparated.

The coldness had already begun to set in.

But when Severus did realize the great evil that the Dark Lord was, and turned spy, he took his mother’s words to heart and never relinquished his power, never lost his conscience. He did follow her example and kept his power, relying on his inner strength and courage to get him through all the years of torture and pain as he served the Greater Good. And her words had been prophetic. He did indeed turn all his allies into servants. Severus couldn’t even remember how it had happened. One day he was Voldemort, the next, the dreaded Dark Lord and every deatheater his faithful servant. He no longer wanted to change the wizarding world, but rule it.

Severus started. Hermione had gently put her hand on his arm, startling him from his thoughts. He looked at her rather dazedly, as if returning to the present required a great effort. He saw the fire was burning low now.

“Come Severus. It’s time for bed,” Hermione said softly.

He nodded and rose, stretching, then looped an arm around her shoulder and slowly walked with the witch into the bedroom. Only a few days were left before the wedding.

And soon he would see his mother again.

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A/N: I thought this scene of Severus telling his mother he had become a deatheater was important to the story. Looks like this one is going to be the most epic of all of the ones I’ve written. Every twist I write in is going to have to be addressed. I am playing with the idea of just one more really wild twist…but this story seems like it is far, far from over. I had no idea it would be this long. Well, as long as you are all willing to read it, I will keep writing it until I can wrap it up in a satisfyingly neat little package. Thanks for sticking with it. I appreciate it. Please review.

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The Burning Pen

Becoming Familiar with a Man of Misery
by Ruth Solomon

The story content is adult in nature and can contain graphic sex and violence. Those under the age of 18 are asked to leave this site immediately. You are not welcome here. The author is not responsible for those under-aged who view these works.

CHAPTER 63

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to JKR. All situations are mine. No $$$ is being made from this fanfic.
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